Hallucinations “Hallucination Four”

The picture is taken by me @roadygolden


Rain was sitting on the side of her bed, she was about to cry, but she closed her eyes, trying not to. Then she picked up her phone and opened the messages, and wrote, “Did you sleep yet?” to Cloud. Then she closed her phone and put it on her office table.

Few minutes later, her window got knocked, Rain smiled and moved the curtain. Cloud was standing looking at her with his cute eyes and smiled from behind the window. Rain smiled more, then opened the window. She stared at him for a few seconds and suddenly their both smiles disappeared then a tear fell down on Rain’s face.

Cloud got into her bedroom, looking at her with no words. “They made up their decision. I can’t go to it. It’s gone!” Rain said in a sad tone. “Rain. How did that happen?” She smiled, “It just happened. They decided and I’m doing what they want.” “Didn’t you talk to them, like, isn’t there another option?” Rain started laughing while crying, and said “No. They said don’t even think about it. It’s done, Cloud.”

Rain sat on her bed. Cloud was looking at her in shock. “You know what, for the first time in my entire life my heart and brain chose the same choice. For the first time in my life, I felt happy. I liked it. I liked everything about it. The city, the place, the people, everything, even my picture. For the first time in my life I prepared everything ahead of time. And I was ready to start even before a whole two months.”

Cloud sat next to Rain listening to her. She put both her hands beside her on the bed and continued, “When everything became ready, I said to myself, is that really happening? Am I really, for the first time in my life, going to start everything without rush, without stress, with a whole deep big smile covering my entire face? With a very satisfied heart? Am I really going to love the place that I’m going to for the first time in my life? Am I actually going to live in the city that I hoped to just look at when I was a kid? Am I actually making one of my dreams come true?”

Then Rain looked at Cloud with her puffy eyes, and her tears falling on her cheeks. Cloud was already looking at her feeling so sad. “I felt the meaning of happiness for the first time in my life, Cloud. When they gave me the ID, I can’t describe how happy I was, I was looking pretty in the picture! When I came back here from there, I looked at the bottle, the pen, the file, the lanyard, the stamps, the logo. Gosh, it hurts so much…” She stopped talking, looking up at the ceiling and burst out crying. “Hey, hey, you might have that chance, remember?” She moved her head (No). “Why not?” Cloud asked.

She wiped her tears. Looked up at her room’s ceiling, “It closed. I passed the deadline for it.” “What?” She moved her head (Yes) “If I did it before one month only, I could’ve been dancing from happiness right now.” “Rain!” Cloud said it in a hopeless tone. “I know. I’m the unluckiest person on earth.” “Shhh, don’t say this. Maybe it’s better this way. I don’t know. Maybe if you went there something bad would’ve happened to you! There are some things that are hidden in our destiny that we can’t see or even think of.” Rain looked at him.

“Look, if I was in your place, I don’t know what I would’ve done. I might have beaten someone, or broken something, or gone out and screamed with my loudest voice, or maybe drove my car so fast that I would end up unconscious in the hospital. I know it’s not easy and I can feel it.” Cloud said. “What hurts me is that I never wanted it from the beginning. But when I liked it, it started fading, going away. I lost it the same way I lost everything else. Cloud I’m tired of covering my bleeding wounds. I’m tired of collecting my broken pieces from every angle. I’m tired of building new dreams and seeing them crashing once and twice.” She closed her eyes in pain.

“I don’t know what to say to bring you back your smile, no matter how hard I try, I won’t be able to relieve your pain. But I’m here, and ready to listen to you till the morning. Till tomorrow, or till the day you decide. I’ll do my best to make you feel better, Rain.” Cloud said. Rain looked at him for a while then asked, “Can you stroke my hair?” Cloud looked at her and smiled, putting his hand on his lap like calling her to approach. Then Rain laid down and said, “Can you stay next to me until I fall asleep. Then leave. I just need you so much right now.” “I will never leave until I make sure that you are in a very deep sleep.” She smiled while her eyes closed. Then he whispered into her ear, “See me in your dreams.” Then he smiled and continued stroking her hair.

To be continued…

Hallucinations “Hallucination Three”

The picture is taken by me @roadygolden


Rain slapped her bedroom door so hard. She was breathing so fast. Kind of pissed off from everything. She was having that angry look that was carrying lots of hate. Then she fell slowly on her bedroom floor and burst out crying.

Few seconds later, she looked up at her phone, then she grabbed it and started writing, and her tears started falling on her phone’s screen. Then she deleted everything, and dropped the phone on her bedroom floor. And burst out crying again.

Few minutes later, someone knocked on her bedroom window. She was laying on her bed hugging her little teddy bear. She raised herself, wiped her tears with her left hand and opened her bedroom’s curtain. Cloud was standing there!

She opened her window, “What are you doing here?” Rain asked him. “What were you writing to me?” “How did you know that I was writing to you?” “You came to my mind and I wanted to ask how you’re doing, then I saw you typing for a long time, but didn’t receive anything!” “Yeah because I’m always the one who’s complaining and I’m not even trying to ask about how you are. I didn’t even ask you how did you come here?”

Cloud stepped into Rain’s bedroom, “You don’t have to ask about me. Because I’m not the one who’s broken here, Rain. You are!” Rain cried. “What happened?” She looked up with her teary eyes, then looked at him, Taking her breath.

“I’m tired. I’m so tired Cloud. I don’t know where I should start. Should I start from January, 2016 when I lost my future? Or from March, 2017 when I lost my dignity? Or from October, 2017 when I lost my ambition? Or from May, 2018 when I lost the most innocent creature that was the only one who used to understand me when no one did?”

Rain’s face was so red and tears were falling on her cheeks. Then she continued, “Or wait. What about October, 2018 when I lost my dream? Or December, 2018 when I heard the insult from my childhood’s idol; who was the reason for all that I went through? And November 2019 when my 19th birthday wish was to die? Or March, 2022 when you came to me when everything was just…” “Calm down. Look, you went through all of this and it’s so painful, I can feel it, but look around you, they still need you, you have them with you.”

“I fought with them tonight. And because of him, again.” Rain turned mad and continued, “Again, the same person behind everything.” “We all fight. You know why we fight? Because we love, and you love them.” “You know what they told me tonight? They said that I’m so bad, I’m so malicious, full of hate. They asked me when did I become such a spiteful person!” Cloud looked at Rain when she said that in pain. Then he approached her, Put his hands on her shoulders, “Look they might not understand you. They might not listen to you. They might even not know what you are going through. But they still love you. They love you so much.”

Rain laughed mockingly, and stepped back, “They love me?! They don’t feel me but they love me! They break my heart with their harmful words, but they love me! They stand next to the one who insulted not only me, but them, but guess what, they are defending him like he’s an angel. And you keep telling me that they love me?! Are you freaking kidding me? They don’t even care about me. And guess what? I don’t care about them either.” “Rain. You’re not like that. You’re not a cruel person. You’re not like him. Don’t act like him.” She replied to Cloud angrily, “I know that I’m freaking not like him, and I will never be. Tell them to stop comparing me to him!”

Cloud looked at her with no words. Rain looked at him for a while calming herself down then said quietly, “Cloud, I don’t understand them, they don’t like him either and they know who he actually is, but they keep telling me to ask him for help. And at the same time when I say no I don’t want his help and I would rather die than asking for his help. They compare me to him. And they say, “The older you get, the more you look like him so much!” And I don’t want to be like him.”

Rain approached Cloud with a hateful look and said, “I’m not like him. I hate him!” Then Cloud said slowly, “But you deep inside don’t hate him, because you can’t hate him, you’re not like him. I can still see that light and smile in your eyes when you see him.” Rain moved her head (No) and stepped away. “Rain, this is not a bad thing, this is you. Even if you said it a thousand times, and no matter how high the pitch would be, you deep inside don’t hate him.” Rain looked at him with no words.

“You’re just mad, and without realizing it, you are becoming like him. And I know that you are not that one.” Rain sat on her bed. Feeling so hopeless. Cloud approached, and sat next to her, “Rain, I’m the only one who knows very well the depth of you. You’re not bad. You’re good, I can see it. But looking at your past and what you’ve gone through makes you start becoming like this.” She looked at him, crying.

“She died because of him.” “Don’t blame it on him. I’m not saying he’s a good person, he might be one of the reasons, but that’s her destiny, Rain. With or without him she had to die.” Rain burst out crying, “I miss her so much.” Then she laid down, putting her head on his lap. Cloud started stroking on her hair.

“Four years passed and I still have the same pain for her death like she died yesterday.” “I know.” “Cloud, I don’t want to be like him. I’m tired of all this hate. I’m tired of carrying all these painful memories inside my heart blaming him. I’m tired of being next to him. I’m tired of even thinking about all of this. Cloud I’m tired of being fake. I’m tired of looking at my past, thinking of it more and more and more.” She took a deep breath.

She continued, “I’m tired of saying what if this didn’t happen, what if I didn’t talk, what if I didn’t ask, what if I didn’t call, what if I didn’t listen, what if I refused to go and stayed next to her. What if I took her to the other doctor, maybe she would’ve been alive now.”

“Rain, it happened, you can’t bring her back.” “I know. And this is what hurts me the most. I lost her. She never spoke, she used to look with her ocean blue eyes, and sit next to me with her white fur. She was the only one who felt me when there was no one even caring.” Cloud kept stroking Rain’s hair without saying anything.

Rain continued, “Cloud, I swear I’m not okay. I just want to be back to who I actually was. I don’t want to hate anymore, I don’t want to blame anymore. I don’t want to think of the past anymore. I don’t want to carry all of this burden anymore… I want to sleep… I just want to sleep… I’m tired… I want to sleep and wake up the next morning… back to who I was before all of this.”

Rain fell asleep. And her last tear fell down on Cloud’s pants. Cloud kept stroking on her hair and whispered, “You will one day. I promise.”

To continue reading this story, please follow this hallucination; 2022

Hallucinations “Hallucination Two”

The picture is taken by me @roadygolden


Rain after that night, she lost her hope. The thing that she really worked for, for two years, was gone on that rainy night. Two days later, something happened to her that made her get her hope back. She was so happy, it was like a miracle, she couldn’t believe that something special like this would happen to her. And the thing is that, the beautiful news came on the following night after that painful rainy night. But Rain had no idea about it.

Rain started preparing for her new path and started planning everything from a very early time. Days passed then weeks, and that’s when she realized that yes the thing that happened was a new chance but this chance had a price. It wasn’t for nothing, because life as it gives you, it takes from you…

Rain was looking a scary look with her teary eyes. “What’s wrong?” Cloud asked when Rain opened her window. “I will be a poison, Cloud. What I’m going for is not who I am. I… I really can’t. I can’t do it… It’s not for me… I don’t belong to this world… It’s too heavy… too much for me.” He stepped slowly into her bedroom. She was taking her breath hardly.

Cloud put his hands on her shoulders, “Rain, what are you talking about? Can you explain slowly? Why would you be a poison? What world that you don’t belong to?” “The world where you poison people, let them die everyday without taking out their souls, killing their dreams and hopes every night, without even feeling it. You just go forward, get promoted, be rewarded, win the jackpot and continue your way with life by trampling on people, pretending like nothing happened. Like you did nothing and guess what? You’re the happiest person alive!” Rain started laughing in a scary way while crying. Cloud looked at her shocked from what she said.

Then Rain stopped laughing and came closer to Cloud, looking at him with her teary eyes, “I’m not that one Cloud. This is not what I wanted. I can’t do it. I can’t be like them. Yes, I hate them, oh gosh I hate them so much, but hating them doesn’t mean that I need to be like them for revenge. Cloud, I’ve always wanted to stay away from people, fly up there. But right now, with what I’m in now, I’m in the middle of them, inside their nests. Their presence suffocates me. And I don’t want to be with them, between them, I want to go to the place where my heart and I belong.”

At that moment, Cloud understood what Rain was talking about. He looked at her for a while, and his eyes started becoming teary, then he smiled a sad smile, and tilted his head, looking at her. She cried more. Then Cloud pulled her both hands and looked at her smiling, then whispered, “You will be okay one day. I promise.”

To continue reading this story, please follow this hallucination; Ingénue

Hallucinations “Hallucination One”

The picture is taken by me @roadygolden


It was rainy outside, the weather was so cold. It was 9:00PM, the neighborhood was so quiet, only the sound of the rain was mounting in that cloudy sky. Rain was in her bedroom with her bedroom’s half closed curtains, throwing everything on her bedroom’s floor, crying, carrying a squared paper in her hand that had a red eagle logo on it. She suddenly with her teary eyes ribbed the paper into very small pieces and dropped them on her bedroom’s floor, then she put her left hand on the floor, sitting slowly, crying so deep, putting her right hand on her mouth trying to cry quietly so no one could hear her.

Few minutes later, Rain was sitting on her bedroom floor, with her back on her bed, putting her arms on her knees and her head on top of them, looking at the floor with her red puffy eyes. Then something hit her bedroom’s window from outside. She raised her head, stood up, walked slowly, and moved the curtains, stared for a while, then opened the window.

“Cloud!” (Rain said in a shocked way, staring with her puffy red eyes) “Are you okay?” Cloud asked. Rain moved her head (No). Then she went into her clothes room throwing the tissue in the trash. Cloud stepped into her bedroom and looked at her. Then Rain looked at him with no words, crying again. “What happened? Why are you crying?” Cloud asked. Rain cried more, and said in a cracked voice, “Can you hug me?” At that moment Cloud looked at her in a very soft way and immediately approached and hugged her. She burst out crying saying, “I’m so tired Cloud, I’m so tired. I can’t take it anymore. It hurts. It hurts so much. No. I’m not ready for all of this. I’m not ready at all. I’m still so young, so young to feel all this pain.”

Then Cloud said while hugging her, “It’s going to be okay. No matter what happened to you right now, it is going to pass, I promise.” “It will not pass. It will not. It’s like, a heavy thing that someone put on my heart preventing me from taking my breath. I wasn’t planning on living all of this. I’m not ready for all of this. I’ve never imagined my life to be this way, I can’t, I…”

“Rain. Calm down. Okay? You don’t have to tell me anything. Okay? You don’t have to. But you need to calm down. It doesn’t deserve all these tears. It’s not worth it.” She cried more. Then Cloud put some of her hair behind her ears, and smiled at her looking closer into her eyes, and said, “One day, you’ll remember this day, this moment, and you will understand very well why you lived it. Why did you feel all of this? Why did you go through all this pain? Now listen, you are still young and have too much to live, no matter what broke your heart now, another beautiful, wonderful event will mend it. I promise.”

Then he pulled her slowly, making her sit on her bed, then he sat beside her. “You have to sleep. You need to.” He said. She looked at him, then she put her head on his lap, and he started stroking her hair until she fell asleep.

To continue reading this story, please follow this hallucination; Larme