Painful Moments “Moment Six”

The picture is taken from: Pinterest; Credit: @1wc.

In one of the sad years, I left the building at exactly 2:50pm. I was walking down the corridor on the fourth floor and everything around me was so quiet, the building was so empty, I was able to hear my footsteps. I don’t know how to describe my feelings. I wanted to cry so badly, but it felt like the thing that makes my tears fall just died.

My hope has been killed, my dreams were shattered and my ambition? I don’t think there was an ambition after that moment. I walked slowly, my feets were hardly carrying me. I was so exhausted. I closed my eyes. I had an ugly feeling, I wanted to cry, I really wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I just continued walking silently. I went down to the first floor of the glass building.

I looked to my left, and remembered everything from the beginning to the end. How everything started and how it now ended. All the beautiful moments that I experienced, although they were short, I really loved every second I spent in these moments. I loved the moments so much that I forgot that I have a curse I take with me everywhere I go, which ruins everything I love, and hurts and breaks all my heart’s parts.

I opened the door of the building and walked out. The wind outside wiped my face, as if it was consoling my pain. I continued my way with my dried eyes, until I reached my car. For the first time, I sat in my car without crying or falling apart. Instead, I put on my seat belt, and started driving, all the way back home.

When I started approaching home, my tears poured out like showers of rain. I got into the house, and no one was there. I went upstairs, washed, wore my pajamas, performed ablution and prayed. I turned off my phone, so no one would reach me. I closed my eyes, and tears filled my pillow. And then that cute fur approached me and kissed me on my cheek and layed next to me.

The pain that I experienced that day was a different kind of pain, a very cold pain that brought me many things I had lost, back. On that day, I realized that I committed many crimes against myself. I broke my heart, I wasted my tears, I crushed my hopes and destroyed my dreams, and on top of all of this, I burned my soul and hurt my brain. My brain; that is still serving me among all that I did to it.

I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

Pictures are taken from: Pinterest, Instagram.
Pictures Credits: @1wc / @Rahaf / @uli_ql / @text.ns / @fetln / @1nfq / unknown.

“I needed a hug that puts out all this fire inside me to something that pushes the chaos off my shoulders”

“From one night to another I wait for something that will never happen to happen”

“There is a captivating army of old weariness in my body”

“Lots of waiting destroys desire”

“I live the night alone in my dark bedroom and my mind never stops thinking”

“My Allah I’m trying so please don’t leave my hand.”

“A day will come and change all the maps of my life… A day will come”

“In fact, everything we write is a small part of what is inside us. We don’t write the entire story, so that no one knows who we are.”

“It is a bitter thing, for a person to yearn for what he will never achieve.”

“Breaking the perfume bottle makes you smell it strongly. But for the last time..”

“Then he comes back alone as if he never had been with anyone”

“Nothing bothered me, as much as my thoughts did.”

“Allah will compensate you for all this fatigue that you resisted without speaking.”

“Tired of walking
Unable to stand and afraid to turn around.”

“I knew from the beginning that I would come back to repair this heart alone.”

“But I know what it means to be exhausted to the extent that a fleeting question makes you cry.”

“I wish I could leave my thoughts the way I leave a place where I feel uncomfortable.”

“I understand very well the people who choose to be isolated for a while
Nothing repairs a person or brings him to himself other than himself.”

“Allah has heard your conversation with yourself while you were calming her down and telling her that he will take care of her. Do you think Allah will let you down?”

“I am not interested in anything, all the things I thought I loved have completely lost their meaning.”

“I know very well the bitterness of closing your eyes and the scene never changes.”

“No human can bear all this in his chest alone, but I did.”

“I have no desire, as if this time I gave up all my desires.”

“He wants and does not want, he desires and fears what he desires, his whole life is like this.”

“I don’t want to pay attention, I lived my beautiful moments absentmindedly.”

“I know very well what it means for a person to look with disappointment at the very things he stared at with hope.”

“You don’t know what it means for a person to punish himself by leaving what he loves.”

“I seem to have entered life late. All the things I loved have been used up or possessed by other people.”

“There are moments that pass in our lives
We all realize that when they happen we will spend a very long time without forgetting them.”

“I know the things I’ve always wanted will come but in a moment when I have already stopped waiting for them.”

“I’m just trying to keep my soul away so it doesn’t get attached to something it will love today and is gone tomorrow.”

“You knew the end from the beginning, why did you insist on going down a road that had no use for you but pain.”

“Eventually one of them will get over it, and the other will be stuck forever.”

“Please leave me, your presence is no longer welcomed.”

“I don’t know how long I need to get rid of this feeling and I don’t know what feeling I mean.”

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Painful Moments “Moment Five”

The picture is taken from: Pinterest; Credit: unknown.
Resim Pinterestten alınmıştır; Kredisi: bilinmiyor.

In the year of 2019, on a rainy day, where clouds were covering all the parts of the moon. I don’t remember the number of the people that were in the house on that night. Everything related to those dark days, seemed to me like a terrible nightmare that never left my imagination for a moment. Although I remember it strongly, the details are intermittent, as if someone had removed parts from my imagination.

I remember the night when I got out of the car, looking up at the place, at the people that were standing all around. They all were getting out of the car, some were excited, some not. But me, when the thing I wanted finally happened, when the thing I kept dreaming of for years finally became true, my feeling on that night was horrible. I dreamed of that day so much, and imagined my reaction in thousands of ways. But my actual reaction was never like a single one of the reactions I’ve always imagined.

When that rainy day came. I went out of the bath drying my hair with the towel, when I heard them talking downstairs. I don’t know if they were fighting or talking, but I do know that her voice is not quiet. They were about to start a fight. That was the moment that I’ve been waiting for, I’ve been waiting for him to come, to talk to us, I wanted to face him for so long after all these years. I brushed my hair, looked at myself in the mirror and closed my eyes taking a deep breath and went downstairs.

I don’t remember who was in the house on that night other than the three of us, even though there were more people, but it felt like it was just the three of us, like everyone left for us to have this conversation. I stood in the back seeing him talking to her. He was mocking, I remember his features when she was crying to him, asking for help. I couldn’t believe that I was mistaken with the person I’ve always thought was the right person, he was my idol, the person that I’ve always wanted to become like.

I couldn’t bear it, when she was explaining to him crying, he was making fun of what she was saying. I approached and shouted. I was so mad at that moment to the point I don’t remember exactly what I said to him that made him approach both of us in a very cold way, raising his two fingers saying, “All that you are having on, right now is from me, without me you’ve been nothing. So, don’t come and say that you are doing me a favor. I’m the one who is doing you a favor. And whatever I’m giving him, is because I’m generous, he doesn’t even deserve what I’m giving him.”

Then he went upstairs, I froze in my place, working so hard on holding up my tears and preventing them from falling. I don’t know why I couldn’t reply, but I said to myself that I will never let him out of the house without saying to him what I want to say. I waited for him downstairs, taking my breath trying my best to stay strong and not falling apart. Then I heard his steps on the stairs. I wiped my teary eyes and looked at him opening the house door. I called him.

“The same way you are supporting him, he is supporting you, so don’t think of yourself doing us a favor.” I said. He looked at me in a mocker way and left. I slapped the door behind him. And that’s when I fell apart and burst out crying leaning my head on the door.

Pictures are taken from: Pinterest.
Pictures Credits: @velvet / @dikenli1papatya / @valgibi / @sen17yasimsin / @the nisa / @sarkiutopyam / unknown.
Resimler Pinterestten alınmıştır.
Resimler Kredi: @velvet / @dikenli1papatya / @valgibi / @sen17yasimsin / @the nisa / @sarkiutopyam / bilinmeyen.

“It’s nice to imagine, but then?”

“It was a nice lie, I believed it”

Time sleep is the medicine for everything”

“Don’t look at my laughter, I’m actually a very unhappy person”

“I’m tired, I can’t even bear myself”

“Then something happens. And you cannot become like before anymore.”

“How much we died just to live a little bit..”

“Actually there’s nothing like this. You imagined. You said it would be. I will walk, I may fall. But there’s nothing. You thought there’s something.”

“Then a photo appears in front of you, all what you thought you forgot through all this time, makes you kneel in front of the longing.”

“I became tired from making myself tired..”

“Sometimes I feel like I want to walk for hours, like by walking everything will pass..”

“Before, I used to think that the worst thing in life is to stay alone. No, it’s not. The worst thing in life is staying between the people who make you feel alone..”

“Unfortunately you’re crazy, deranged, and out of your mind. But do you want me to give you a secret? All good people deep inside are like this.”

“Mom, I’m so in pain.”

“By the way, does everyone go through what they made others go through?”

“Did you hear my silence?”

-Oğuz Atay

“We’re going to scream, they will never hear. Always the same story.”

“At the end, I explained all my fears to you and now my fear is you.”

From “Thanks for your existence in my life” to “Take care of yourself”…

“I became a person like ice, they didn’t leave me feelings.”

“We learned to stay lonely from people who said we will never go to us.”

“There are some dates that you didn’t forget, you couldn’t forget.”

“The heart is really burning.”

“It won’t pass, it won’t, it stays in your mind and you can’t forget, even though he’s not that important person…”

“A lot of songs were deleted from our playlists, in order to make us remember some things.”

“I swear you’re a big frustration, I swear you’re a big sigh, you’re a big deep pain.”

“If we sat down and talked maybe everything could’ve passed, turning your head and ignoring wasn’t even indicating love.”

-Cahit zarifoğlu

“But you’ve never been with me, maybe your mind or your heart has been somewhere else.”

Sometimes when a person says, “I’m fine” they really need someone to look into their eyes and say, “I know you’re not.”

“Do you think of me?”

“Everything falls apart as I try to pick it up.”

“I know you will win, but I don’t know how many times after losing.”

-Sagopa Kajmer

“One day you’ll look, my name changed to an Instagram user…”

“What I want to say is; Know me as a wave that hit the beach but didn’t reach your toes… so misplaced, so lost in the blues.”

“Please make me sleep on your chest, I’m so tired.”

For the painful moments “moment six”, please visit this link Painful Moments

Painful Moments “Moment Four”

The picture is taken from: Pinterest; Credit: @lilacrainw.

In the fifth month of 2018, I was standing in front of the mirror, seeing myself so beautiful. It was my graduation. I was so happy, so excited and I was feeling like I was flying. Maybe that was the first day to taste the actual meaning of happiness. I stepped into the elevator and started taking selfies, smiling deeply. That night was so beautiful. It wasn’t just a beautiful night, it was the most beautiful night of my life.

Day after day, I kept looking at the graduation’s videos pictures, smiling. But, her absence took so long, and I really started to miss her. She never left my mind, not even for a moment. I kept asking and they kept telling me she was fine. I never insisted, because I trusted them, I was sure that no one would lie to me.

And that day, I saw her in my dream walking inside the room, looking at me from afar, telling me that she missed me, why am I not coming to visit her? I woke up from my dream, feeling so worried about her. I texted my best friend and told him about the dream, and he told me to ask them about her. This is the only way I could know how she was doing.

And on the night of that day, “Can you tell me the truth? How is she?” “She’s fine.” “Okay, if she’s fine, why is she not with us then?” No one answered. “What is going on, is she okay? Why are you both like this?” My eyes started filling up with tears. “Because she’s taking medications there, and she’s feeding on a serum.” I raised my eyes and said,” Take me to her, I want to see her.” “We can’t.” “Why?” “We just can’t.” “Why can’t you? Can you stop lying to me? What happened to her? Did something bad happen to her?”

“Why do you think we are lying to you?” “Because she came to my dreams and told me that she misses me and that I’m not coming to visit her.” They both didn’t say a word. I shouted, “Can you tell me the truth? Did something bad happen to her? Did she die?” No one said a word. I screamed while crying, “Did she die?” “She died, yes she died. She died four days before your graduation. What are you going to do now?” I screamed, “No, no my Allah, no. Not her. Please, not her.”

I went back to my room screaming and shut the door behind me. They ran behind me and I screamed, “Leave me alone.” “Why are you doing all of this? You didn’t even do a part of it when he died a few months ago.” I looked at her in pain and said, “Leave me alone.” They kept talking, I don’t remember anything from their words. I just laid down on my bed and hugged my pillow and shouted out loud with my mouth on the pillow, “Close the door, and leave me alone.”

She died four days before my graduation and no one told me until I fought with them by the end of that month.

Pictures are taken from: Pinterest, Instagram.
Pictures Credits: @lilacrainw / @THELATESTQUOTE / @extra_emotions / @Girly_m / @fatemood / @SCENESFEED / @Paul Nigam / @iloveuofficial / @motivationapp / @13REASONSPOSTS / unknown.

Taken from “Love, Rosie” movie.

Taken from “13 Reasons Why” tv show.

Taken from “Anamorphosis and Isolate” movie.

Taken from “The Worst Person in The World” movie.

For painful moments “moment five”, please visit this link Painful Moments

Painful Moments “Moment Three”

The picture is taken from: Pinterest; Credit: @Quotes’nd Notes.

In the tenth month of 2017, I took permission from my sports teacher to go up to the classroom to study biology. I went to the class, I stood on the window, looking downstairs at my classmates playing together, I smiled. Then I opened my book and notebook and started studying. While I was studying, I had a nice feeling, and I started imagining him coming to the class, opening the door, stepping into the class and having a cute conversation together. Few minutes later, I was focusing, summarizing the information in my notebook and suddenly the class’s door was knocked.

And the guy that I was imagining opened the door and asked me something. I kept looking at him with no words. He was waiting for me to answer, I kept looking at him with no words, then he asked another thing. And I had no clue of what he was saying, I told him that I don’t speak his language and he was like “Oh I’m sorry.” And then he smiled at me and left, closing the classroom door behind him.

I smiled to myself wondering, did just what I imagined happened for real?! I continued studying. At the end of the day, I walked next to my biology teacher. The weather was so nice on that day. She told me back then, that she believes that I will get over all the obstacles and that I will be able to make it. My conversation with her made me feel calm.

I went back home, chatting with my best friend on the phone. And everything was okay and normal, until I stepped into my flat’s building, and opened that iron black door with the keys. A sad feeling hit me, and my smile all of a sudden disappeared. I tried to ignore that feeling, convincing myself that it’s probably because my beautiful school day just ended and I’m going back home.

I went up in the elevator to the ninth floor. When the elevator’s door opened, that sad feeling started getting stronger, and step by step, something was kind of pulling me not to open that door. I walked slowly, stood on the door’s mat, put the keys in, and opened the door. Everything was kind of okay. I started talking off my shoes and saw her crying. I went to my bedroom as crying was a thing that I’m used to hearing daily. The only difference was him, sitting on the couch at 3 pm and not out at work.

I put my school bag, and then while the two were outside the third came to me and said, “I got to tell you something.” I looked at her with no words and that sad feeling started mounting inside me. Then she continued, “But I need you to stay calm.” My eyes went wide open and that feeling was about to eat me. I was feeling my heart beat inside my mouth, and looked at her and said, “What is it?” She paused for a minute, then said, “He died.”

I cannot describe the feelings that I had when I heard that sentence. I started shaking my head, saying, quietly “No, no.” And the tears started filling out my eyes. I went outside. She was crying and praying and he was just sitting not saying a word. I stepped next to him, looking at him asking, “Did he actually die?” He looked at me and said sadly, “May his soul rest in peace.” “No.” I said and the tears started falling down. I ran away and started crying all the way to the upstairs.

I opened that empty room’s door and stepped into it, running to the balcony. I opened the door and took a deep breath and started shouting at the sky saying, “He’s gone, Allah. You took him. He’s gone to you. What am I going to do now? He’s gone. You went and took all my dreams with you. What am I going to do without you? You left without even saying goodbye.”

I sat on the floor, like a lost girl with no goal to strive to, and no plan to relate to.

Pictures are taken from: Pinterest.
Pictures Credits: @Quotes’nd Notes / @TheMindsJournal / unknown.

For painful moments “moment four”, please visit this link Painful Moments

Painful Moments “Moment Two”

The picture is taken from: Pinterest; Credit: unknown.

In the year of 2016, I was standing on the balcony, looking straight at the sea and down at the trees. The cool breeze reminded me of my childhood. My childhood in which my concern was simple. When my sadness disappears as soon as I wake up the next day. My problem ends as soon as I finish my exam, and my pain just goes away with a piece of chocolate.

I know what I did that day wasn’t right. But in the end I had no one but them. I thought that they would hold my hand whenever I would ask them to, I thought they would be the support that I will need when I fall apart. That’s why I said to myself that I wouldn’t get back broken. They will be the only people that will solve my problem. On that day, I had to act older than my age, I wasn’t supposed to, but I did. because if I didn’t I would lose the people I love while I’m watching without doing a thing.

I remember how the line was closed in my face for the very first time in my life when I went to the one I loved the most asking him for help. The pain I experienced that day was much greater than my age. I was too young to take all this pain. I remember that since that day something in me has changed. Something of my childhood’s innocence had been removed.

Day after day, they called, I thought they were asking about how we were, I told them the truth to make them know what they did. And because I was a fool, I thought this would make them regret, or feel sorry, or maybe apologize, but that was my second time to get my hopes up for someone and that one smashes them to the very bottom.

The call on that night wasn’t for knowing how we were, but for giving the order and we were required to implement it without arguing. I don’t know how I was able to do it, but I did. “No. We’re not going to do what you are asking us to.” “Is this your last word?” I took a deep breath, and said, “Yes. That’s my last word. I’m here and I will stay here; we all will stay here, and no one will force us to do anything we don’t want.”

“Okay, if that’s what you want.” “Yes.” “Bye then.” “Bye.” I closed the phone and a tear went down my cheek. And then she came, “Did they close?” I shook my head in the meaning of yes, crying. Then she approached me and hugged me. “We don’t need them, we don’t need anyone. Allah will never leave us.” 

I remember that, that night my love for them started fading, day after day.

Pictures are taken from: Pinterest.
Pictures Credits: @r.h.Sin / @Luv / @Mindset Creator / @Quotes’nd Notes / @Gippy / @stonecold.x / unknown.

For painful moments “moment three”, please visit this link Painful Moments

Painful Moments “Moment One”

The picture is taken from: Pinterest; Credit: unknown.

In the second week of 2016, I was studying in my sister’s bedroom downstairs; getting ready for my physics exam that I had on the next day, in a school that was an hour and a half far away from home. My sister was sleeping in my room downstairs. It was like 12 am in the morning, all I could remember was that I was sitting on her bed, carrying the book in my both hands and the notebook was next to me. Suddenly, I heard that terrifying sound coming from upstairs. A “No” word. But it wasn’t a normal no like the other no’s that I used to hear. It was so much different. There was a heartburn inside that word; her voice when she was saying that no was so scary, I have never heard her like that way before.

I raised up my head from between my book’s pages and looked at the bedroom’s curtains and a petrifying feeling started running through my body. Deep inside me two voices started mounting; one of them telling me to hurry upstairs and see what was going on, and the other voice, never wanting me to move. This second voice was so confident that if I went upstairs and saw what happened I would never go downstairs back like before, anymore. I stayed for a while so scared trying to hear any other voice, but the silence after that No killed me. I went down off the bed slowly, wore my slipper, taking my breath hardly and step by step, until I reached the bedroom door, and opened it.

I didn’t hear a thing, that silence was horrific, I wanted to step out of the bedroom but I froze in my place. And then she gasped; the gasp after that choking cry. When I heard that gasp and heard her voice crying after that, a shiver passed through all the parts of my body. At that moment I stepped out of the bedroom, looking upstairs with my trembling eyes, and started stepping on the stairs. I didn’t know whether I had to run or go step by step on the stairs, but a thousand thoughts were eating my brain while I was going up those circular stairs. And that was the moment when everything wasn’t normal anymore.

I was three steps more to reach their floor, when I saw her standing, talking on the phone, crying, shaking, trembling, and pleading. I turned my face to him, there was no sound coming out of his body, he was sitting on the couch, with his head leaning, looking up without blinking. He was breathing hard, and his hand was on his heart. I told her to stop pleading but she wasn’t hearing me. I approached him, for the first time he never turned his face to look at me. He was staring at the ceiling. I remember that night my eyes filled with so much tears that I couldn’t feel, but those tears were so different. And yes, I went back downstairs, but never like before anymore.

That wound was the first wound to leave an impact on not only a part of my body, but all over it.

Pictures are taken from: Pinterest.
Pictures Credits: @rawadalzahabi / / @RKG / @FD / @beebosloth / @TEARFULNIGHTS / @skull_usa / unknown.

For painful moments “moment two”, please visit this link Painful Moments


“I regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a place at the University of …” That’s when a new dream that took nearly a year, waking up everyday with, thinking of, planning on making it happen got destroyed.

You know? It took me so long to dream about something else, to collect the wreckage that was left of me and build my new self out of it. This new dream was born after years of pain, of frustration, of sadness, of brokenness, of wounds that have not healed yet. And today, March 18th, 2022, this new dream was shattered in a five-line letter. Just that easy.

It’s really easy to type down a letter and with one click send it to thousands of applicants, telling them that you are sorry. Your sorry doesn’t mean anything when their hearts start breaking, your sorry doesn’t fix what you ruined, your sorry doesn’t heal their wounds. Your sorry doesn’t turn back the chances they lost because of them wanting you, only you. Your sorry doesn’t bring back the time they lost working on doing their best to send you that six page essay. Your sorry will never make them forget what you made them feel the moment they received your letter.

You said, “Be createful” but you tore up all my creations, without even blinking…

I wanted you, because everyone said that you are different. You don’t look at what is shown. You search deep into each applicant, see how they do, find the hidden thing in them where the others don’t. But what I saw today was that you were like the others with no difference. Maybe you were worse, you didn’t even tell the reason. You just threw that five-line letter in front of my face asking me to continue my path with the same energy, encouraging me to continue working on my future plans.

You were a huge disappointment to me. You opened my old wounds that I worked years on healing. My wounds never went away, but in the moment that I walked into you, you were like a pain reliever to me. I said in my heart, maybe you’ll make up everything, maybe you will be the one who is going to draw a smile on my face again. But I forgot that heartbreaks come from the things we get the most attached to.

You thanked me because I considered you. Well, I thank you for telling me that you are not as perfect and honest as I thought.